The Agony of Defeat

After being diagnosed with stage 4 Lymphoma we knew it was going to be an uphill battle for my mom. She spent the first 3 weeks in the hospital, where she had begun her first rounds of Chemo. Upon returning for labs a week or so later, we received the news that we had been hoping for her labs looked good the chemo looked like it was working. She had her second round of Chemo and then, it just seemed to go down hill from from there. She couldn't get keep her white blood cells up or her platelets to low. She would be come dehydrated from throwing up so much. She had uncontrollable bleeding from her bladder that was very painful for her. Excruciating pains radiating down her arm, kidney failure...the list went on and on. She just couldn't seem to get a break. I reached a point that I became angry. Wondering WHY???? Why did she have to suffer so much. I knew she had cancer. I got that! But come on! Why did she have to go through so much "extra stuff". Watching her have to suffer was sometimes simply unbearable.
As a result of all the complications and such, my poor mom RARELY got the spend a full week at home. She was having to be sent to the Emergency Room because of infection or admitted back into the Huntsman Cancer institute to receive more platelets. Whenever I could, I would make the drive up to the hospital, to be there with her and to comfort my dad. It became almost a daily ritual driving up there and I was pretty sure my car could get there by itself, since I was making the drive so often. I can remember entering the Hospital each time, taking a deep breath and saying "here we go again." Often times I would get that feeling of not wanting to drive up there AGAIN! and that I needed a little break today from the hospital. But then I would quickly think of my mom and of my dad who was spending many sleepless nights and days taking care of my mom. And how they would really like to have a break too, but didn't quite have that option and I would find myself trekking my butt back up there. I always thought in the back of my mind "won't it be so nice when my mom is cured and we don't have to come back here?"
That is what made leaving for the last time, so difficult to take. That last ride down the elevator. As I was pulling out of the parking garage for the very last time, I felt so let down and defeated. I was pulling out, walking away WITHOUT my mom. They, THE world renowned Huntsman Cancer Institute the one in the forefront of cancer research could not fix my mom. I was heartbroken. I was empty. We had lost.

My Mother's Hands

Night time is the hardest part of the day for me. Every night as I lay in bed, thoughts of my mother come flowing back. My mind just doesn't seem to shut off as dreaming of her has seem to become a nightly ritual for me. My nights are spent reliving the time spent in the hospital with her, her last birthday, her last days here on earth. My mind just doesn't seem to turn off. And missing her, is continually getting worse. Since it seems to be getting more difficult to fall asleep I thought that I might as well write down my thoughts and memories of her. So my next group of postings are going to be random and in no special order. And most likely not well written or thought out for that matter. They are just going to be what I am remembering tonight.
Tonight I can't stop thinking of my mother's hands. Whenever it was time to say our goodbye's after visiting my mom. She would reach out to grab our hands and say say "I love you". I have always known that my mother had beautiful, no I mean gorgeous hands. Long slender fingers and always perfectly manicured nails. She seriously should have been a hand model. I on the other hand have short stubby fingers. Can'y grow nails to save my life. And those that I do grow, I just end up chewing off. But each time I got ready to leave and I'd squeeze her hands. I would linger just a little longer, and rub them so gently. I have never felt hands so soft as my mom's and I would often comment to her how soft her hand were. Deep down inside I stroked her hands not ever wanting to forget her softness, but also not wanting to loose the love that flowed through her body to mine, as our hands were intertwined.
My mom was always feeling pretty crappy, and while at the hospital, a lot of time, she didn't feel like a lot of visitors. She was especailly concerned about her grankids and didn't want to scare them, by seeing her so sick and hooked up to so many different lines of medicine. I as a mom didn't want to make my kinds worry about their grandma being sick. We really never talked about her dieing, but just mainly talked as if she was very, very sick and that cancer kills "some people". We had taken the kids to Lagoon one day, and I told Brian that I thought that on our way home, we needed to stop by the hospital and let my kids see my mom. I didn't want them to worry about her, but I wanted them to see how sick she was "just in case" something was to happen and she passed away, with them only thinking that she just had a little illness like the flu or something. I wanted them to see that she was "really" sick. Just "in case" I didn't want them to be totally shocked. Our visit was very brief, and we only stated a few minutes, as she would tire easily and start coughing uncontrolably if she talked too much. But again as we were getting ready to leave, my mom reached out to grab my hands, and I said "Mom I just can't believe how soft your hands are. Here guys, I want you to come feel how soft grandma's hands are." Then each one of my kids, one by one, went and grabbed my mothers hand as she gently caressed their hand in hers, and each one told her that they loved her. At the time my kids thought I was pretty silly. Little did they know, that would be the last time they would ever feel my mother's soft loving hands. The last time they would tell her that they loved her. And the last time they would hear that she loved them too, as my mother would pass away the following week. Oh how I hope to never forget those hands. Their beauty, their softness and especially the love that flowed through them. The love that can only come from a mother's touch.

Christmas Cards

Just got our Christmas Card order back and I just love how they turned out. The Photo shoot was so much fun and I got a lot of darling pictures... I will post some of them soon.

Front

Inside

Back

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!

Ashlynn's Birthday Photo shoot

Took Ashlynn out for a little Birthday photo Shoot. We had a blast! Check out all the fun pictures on my Photography blog www.scrapsoflifephotography.blogspot.com

Brinley's Baptism

Am I Really That Bad?

Karson on the first day of school is checking out the girls gathering in the front yard... getting ready to head to the bus stop.

grabbing his shoes so he can go too.

Realizing that he has to stay home with mom. Breaks my heart.

New Blog!

Check out my new photog blog. scrapsoflifephotography.blogspot.com. I would love to hear some feed back.

First Photo Shoot

When Dave and Vanessa were in town visiting, they asked if I would take some family pictures of them. OF COURSE I said YES! Although this was my first time photographing someone else besides my own family. But what a Beautiful little family they are. I couldn't go wrong on the photos. I got so many good ones of them. They are just so photogenic! It is going to be hard to narrow them down.

So Gabriel is known for being a drooler...I had to get one of that.

Everyone need to have a footsie photo!

Awwwe!

I just loves these next to photo's. They just seem to capture that love that Dave and Vanessa have for their little one. While taking some photos aon the railroad tracks, Gabriel had tipped over backwards and hit his head. Oh we all felt so bad. Here is Dave and Vanessa trying to comfort him.

How precious is that?

Here's a photo that I was just having some fun with. Trying out some fun photo actions.

So I need some more practing...let me know if your interested.

Going Vintage

So I've been taking some online classes on photo editing. Oh it is going to be SO MUCH FUN! Last night I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't wait to go down on the computer to play. So here is a vintage looking one of Brinley. A little over the top.... but it is fun to play around.

The Bestest in the Westest

Brian and I often comment on how lucky we are to live in the neighborhood that we do. We truly have the BESTEST NEIGHBORHOOD and we are spoiled by all our great neighbors. Each year during the summer we try to get together and have a little neighborhood party and BBQ. Since we have 50+ kids just in our cul-da-sac and down our little street, we decided that it would be fun to rent a BIG blow up slide for the day.
The kids had a blast. Even though it was a little cloudy and drizzly outside...we put the garden hose on it and turned it into a water slide. It was a huge hit.

Even the little babies in the neighborhood would have a blast going down. Karson on the other hand was NOT thrilled at all with it. After much coaxing, I talked him into going down with me on my lap. So we climbed up...slid down and WHACK!!! he hit his head on my knee and that was the end of sliding for him.

Krew & Cami

Kyle

Brinley

It's always fun to just hang with great friends!

We always have yummy food at are BBQ

Karson and his ammo!

And for some reason we always end up with a water fight.

Ashlynn's friend Hailey looks like she is up to no good.

Peyton D. getting her daddy wet. And Megan M. be chased by her dad after getting him soaked. Run Megan run.

Since we usually do it around the July 4th weekend we end the night with fireworks in the culd-da-sac. Here is Karson with his friends Makenna (who insisted on sitting by him the whole night and was not happy if someone got between them. You could also see her leading Karson around while holding his hand through out the night...to cute! Karson is already whipped), Her little brother Macoy, and Karsons other little girlfriend Sydnee.

Brinley and her friends Kennadi, Madeline, and Hailey...enjoying the fireworks.

Ashlynn and her two friends Hailey and Megyn.

I am so glad we live in this neighborhood where our kids have made such good friends. We ARE BLESSED!

We DID Disney!

This post is way past due. But I wanted to share our fun trip, that we took back in April. For Spring Break we headed to Disneyland and had a Blast! We have been there before (okay maybe three or four times,) but seriously, other than the FIRST time , this was the funnest time we had. I think that it has to do a lot with my kids are growing up and that we didn't have any little babies.

The anticipation of walking down Main Street. This is were the Excitement really begins!




I'm not sure why, but the Astro Orbiter is ALWAYS the first ride we hit. Maybe since it is the first ride we run into?



My kids were really quite well behaved (for the most part) which made the trip enjoyable.

This is what kept Karson manageable through the whole week at Disneyland. Brian bought him this set of cars. It was the BEST purchase EVER. He carried those cars for 4 days straight. They kept Karson entertained the WHOLE time we were stuck standing in long lines.

He would line his cars up..."drive" them along the railings and so forth. That was the best idea.

Okay I just have to brag about my kids. They aren't wimps. That makes it fun, because they will try out ANY ride as long as they met the height requirement. I was so proud of Brinley. She went on Indian Jones ride...although she kept her head down the whole time and says she will NEVER go on that again. We also talked Brinley into going on the Tower of Terror. That on the other hand she said she will never forgive us. She came off the ride in tears. It scared her to death. She said she doesn't like it when people DON'T TELL HER THE TRUTH about how scary a ride is. She won't be going on that again either. But I am so happy at least she gave it a try.

Ashlynn loves the California Screamer. You know the Roller Coaster that goes upside down? I on the other hand, ride it ONCE each time we go. But the WHOLE ENTIRE time I'm asking myself "Now remind me how this is fun? And Why I am on this?"

We had a lot of first this trip. First time to the Tikki room. I think that will be are only trip to the Tikki Room LOL!

The Nemo Ride. The kids liked although it is a little hard to get the little ones down inside the submarine.

Sights from the Nemo Ride.

Disneyland Parades are the BEST! Here's the Family waiting for the Main street Parade to begin

So Karson is a Rookie when it comes to Parade Watching. He didn't get the memo that he was NOT PART OF THE PARADE and the he NEEDED TO STAY ON THE SIDEWALK.

When Woody came down the stairs, Karson ran out to greet him...Biffed on the road and all the friendly Disney workers came to pick him up and REMIND HIM TO STAY ON THE SIDEWALK!

Then comes Pooh and Karson could not resist this loveable bear. Karson ran out and this time ...mission accomplished! He gave Pooh Bear a great big hug.

Meanwhile I'm DODGING GIANT BICYCLES trying to save my son from being ran over.

They Must have realized how much Karon wanted to be part of the parade. So they caved, and invited Karson and Brinley to join them.

Disney California also has some great parades. The girls really enjoyed singing and dancing along with High School Musical!

The kiddos getting a high five from one other the performers.

The Pixar Parade was Amazing!

Of course Karson though that Lightning McQueen was the Star of the Parade.

Tow Mater was bringing up the end.

I love to sit back and just watch my cute family. I am SO BLESSED!

Okay so my son likes to Entertain!

While waiting for the parade Karson would head out to the middle of the parade route to show off and dance. He can be quite the Character. I have pictures of him doing the exact same thing the last time we were at Disneyland. He was only 2 yrs then.

I LOVE the family bonding time you get on vacation. Kyle on the other hand, I think can go without so much bonding.

The highlight of Karson's trip.

Mom caved and the girls got their face painted.

Brinley REALLY enjoyed the cotton candy.

What a great Vacation. We had a BLAST! Look at poor Karson covering his eyes. He was so scared. But he said it was fun and he thought he was pretty brave. Looking forward to many more vacations and family memories